It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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