i permit you to call me
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
