our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
