I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize