We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need a beard to bite.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
