I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
