the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
