I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
