just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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