Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
