I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize