I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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