He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
