she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i've created a new STD.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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