I'm laying in your front yard are you home
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
