Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
