you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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