Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
