woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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