I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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