I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
