Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize