Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
