I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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