I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
zippers are such a cool invention
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
