Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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