if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
