You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
