remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
