my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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