once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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