I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
