even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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