I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
