clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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