I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
