we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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