sarcasm needs its own font
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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