that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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