Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
