Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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