I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
