just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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