I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
