I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
