Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
