my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I love you.
Bad choice
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
