last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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