I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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