I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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