I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
