everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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