I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
time to smoke my breakfast
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
