so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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