Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
