I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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