You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have already put on my inside pants.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
