Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
