Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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