filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
