You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
